Friday, August 21, 2009
Twi Me Up - August 21st
Q: I have always been curious about the D/s lifestyle but I've never been brave enough to research on my own. I am extremely shy, bashful, modest...you name it, so I have always kept my curiosity to myself. My husband thinks the 'lifestyle' is disgusting so its out of the question for me anyway but I still would like to know about it. Needless to say, I have ALOT of questions but instead of bothering you with a 10 page email, I figured I would ask the most important ones to me. I am mostly curious as to how someone becomes a sub. How do you find a decent Dom? How do you know what to do once you find a Dom? If you could answer these questions for me I would greatly appreciate it since they have boggled my mind for the last 7 years.
A: Well, the first place you would look for a partner is at home. If you are in a committed relationship, you would talk to your partner about incorporating at least some aspects of BDSM into your relationship. If they are unwilling, then you need to respect that because sex is only one aspect of your relationship.
If you are not in a committed relationship, or your partner is okay with you having sex outside of your relationship then the best way to find someone to work with is through a referral. This is how I got started. I was dating a woman who was a sub, and she introduced me to that lifestyle. We met with her Dom, and he liked me. He took me on as a sub. Sometimes we did sessions alone, and sometimes with the other woman. The key to that relationship was that I trusted her, and after getting to know him, I trusted him as well.
If you don’t know anyone from whom you could get a referral, you can do an internet search. You have to be VERY careful with this. As I’ve mentioned before, this type of relationship is all about trust. Even just looking at it statistically, there are bound to be bad people who will want to actually hurt you. You need to be sure that if you feel uncomfortable with them in any way, you don’t put yourself in a position to get hurt.
You can play online only, or find a group in your area to work with. Remember that if you play with someone online, you have no idea who this person really is. They could be a 60 year old woman or a 12 year old boy. Even getting a picture of them is no indication. Also, they may have no actual experience which can be very dangerous for you if you decide to play with them in person. You get someone coming at you with a whip or wanting to put you in suspension and it’s something they’ve never done before – leave quickly.
If you want to play in person, you can try to find a group in your area. There are several listings online such as:
You can also google certain keyword combinations:
REMEMBER that just because someone is with an organized group, that doesn’t automatically mean that they can be trusted or that they’re experienced. Always use your head and get to know someone. Play with them without bindings first, make sure you’re comfortable.
Finally, I can’t stress enough that you should never play without a safe word, or a signal of some sort. Hand signals, buzzers, or other such warnings should be used if the submissive cannot speak. You should also never be punished for using your safe word. If that happens – find someone else to play with.
As to how do you know what to do when you find a Dom/Domme – I’m sure he or she will love to show you. ;) Okay, seriously – it really depends on how formal you and your partner want the arrangement to be. Some people use actual contracts (which are obviously not enforceable by law, but they give a stronger sense of commitment), some just use a verbal agreement – but generally you will also talk about your expectations, your fantasies, and your limits. If you get into a relationship with someone and they aren’t interested in your limits, that’s an indication that this is someone you might not want to play with – especially as a beginner. After that, usually you will discuss STD testing and birth control methods (if you’re working with an M/F pair).
I can’t stress enough that if you are going play with someone that you are not in a committed relationship with, you need to be careful. This is not something that you want to take lightly.
Follow up question from last week:
I really enjoy your Q and A section. It is very informative. I have tried to have numerous conversations with my husband about BDSM and what I would like but he is not responsive. He believes that it is all about pain and I have tried to explain to him that it is about pleasure as well. I am looking forward to talking to him using some of your suggestions. If you have anymore suggestions to take me seriously and how to make him feel more comfortable learning with me, it would be greatly appreciated.
One thing that I would suggest is starting out with things that don't have to do with pain. If he is uncomfortable with the thought of spanking, or clamps, or anything else that might cause you pain, start off with something more generic. Ask him to bind you to the bed and tease you, or if he's more of a submissive personality ask if you can bind him. Use something less jarring like neck ties or a robe tie rather than rope or cuffs. Use a blindfold to heighten the sensations. Make sure to tell him what you like and what you don't like, and listen when he tells you. It's all about comfort levels, and expanding into new areas of your intimacy.