Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tuesday's Best 1-11-2011

Good morning, my lovelies! Hope you're all safe and warm, where ever you are. It's a balmy 29 degrees where I'm at... 29 Fahrenheit, that is, so let's see if we can heat things up a little, shall we? I'm sure The good Captain and Stolenxsanity can help us with that! Don't forget to grab a blanket (to snuggle up under, of course!), and a fresh pair of panties just in case ;-)


Bonjour mes chéries. Captain Jezebel here once again to share a sweet slasheriffic story with you. What do you get when an author originally planning a one shot, and her beta decide the story would be better told in more than one chapter? You get a mini story that is completely awesome, and you’re happy the author decided to give you more yummies to read.

You Speak To Me is a E/J fic told masterfully in four chapters by Bbebar. Jasper believes himself to be  ‘regular, straight-laced and square’, however he longs to be extraordinary. He is an average man with dreams of being more. A middle school teacher, he finds himself the representative for his school at a motivational seminar. Hoping for something different in his life he actually volunteered for the job most would cringe over or be forced to do.

Edward Cullen is a very well known, successful motivational speaker. He is enigmatic, and his words are thought to have an extraordinary impact on all those that hear him speak. In fact Jasper realizes within minutes of first seeing, and hearing him that Edward is exactly what he wants to be; extraordinary. Jasper is quite taken immediately.

My first impression is a series of snapshots, my brain unable to process them as a whole. Tall, copper red hair, lean, muscles, fitted gray shirt, low-slung jeans, black boots...each image bombarding me so quickly my eyes don't know where to focus. It takes what seems like minutes, but is in reality mere seconds, for all the pieces to fit together. When the final one clicks into place, I am dumbfounded.

Edward Cullen hasn't uttered a single solitary syllable out of his perfect mouth, yet I know without a doubt that he is the most dynamic individual I've ever been in the presence of. And, he is nothing like I expected he would be.

I am rendered speechless as if I've been punched in the gut. I literally cannot peel my eyes off him. He is magnetic, a force field holding all surrounding objects in his orbit, and I am a willing satellite.

When he finally speaks, I am transported. His voice is like melted chocolate, smooth and decadent. I can practically taste it on my tongue. But more than that, the words coming out of him are so heartfelt, they cut me open and leave me bleeding. My ears are buzzing, and I only catch bits and pieces; his thanks and gratitude for the overwhelming reception. I believe him. This man is either an Academy Award caliber actor, or he's truly the most genuine and humble person alive. Nothing about him says jaded. I am at a loss to understand how this madness has not gone to his head.

After a hot dream, and a up close and personal meeting; both Edward and Jasper realize there seems to be a connection between them. What they choose to do with this knowledge is all up to them. Will Jasper finally be brave enough to take that step towards extraordinary? You have to read to find out.

Fair warning to those that don’t like their slash boys dabbling with the velvet purse....Jasper is originally with Alice in this fic which helps to keep him quite confused about his reaction towards Edward. I don’t want to give too much away, but I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed this sweet little story very much. So why not give it a read, and don’t forget to leave the author some love if you do. 


Greetings my lovelies! I know that we’re already a couple weeks into the new year and, thus, weeks away from Christmas, but I couldn’t not share this lovely rec that I’ve chosen for this week. I would have loved to rec it sooner but, unfortunately, it wasn’t posted until after the holidays had come and gone. I promise you, though, this will be my last holiday themed rec as far as the foreseeable future goes. I can’t promise that’ll last, but I’ll do my damnedest to stick to it.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get on to the reason we’re all really here since I’m sure it has nothing to do with listening to me ramble about, well, nothing.

I bring you The Eggnog Effect by the lovely and talented bananapancakes7 who’s penname never fails to make me hungry. Let me start with this gem of an opening line which I could not  help but nod my head in agreement with:

Eggnog fucks me over every single year.

I know that the narrator here isn’t the only one who has had a similar problem, and I also know that it can’t just be me either. Granted, I haven’t had eggnog in years but that’s beside the point.

So, amusing opening to draw me in? Check.

That perfect little story segues flawlessly into an endearingly hilarious anecdote that makes one laugh - or, well, it makes me laugh, anyway - as well as informs us of who the narrator of this tale is.

Well, perhaps I'm exaggerating. There may have been a handful of innocent years of my life when eggnog didn't interfere with my holiday plans. But I can date the dangers of eggnog back to my fifth Christmas, when it made its first appearance - and reappearance. Being a kindergartner, I understood 'the rules' of life, one of which was listening to adults. That didn't mean I actually listened. If I had, I would have respected that my father said, "The eggnog is just for Mommy and Daddy and their friends, Jas. But Mommy put cherries in the Hawaiian Punch for you."

As far as I was concerned, having cherries in the Hawaiian Punch was for babies. It was the first time I was allowed to freely walk around during my family's Christmas party, and since I wasn't required to hold the hand of a parent all night, I wanted the cool, forbidden, eggy drink that was for the older people. I was a big boy, after all; I even had a Big Wheel to prove it.

You'd better believe that as soon as my mother turned her back, I pilfered a half-gallon jug of eggnog out of the fridge and booked it upstairs to my blanket fort to consume the whole damn thing. With my steal, I felt like a pirate. I was invincible and daring. And, in true pirate fashion, I guzzled and Arrrgh'd and bounced around my fort singing, 'Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum'. Of course, being five, I hadn't understood that this particular jug of eggnog actually contained rum, which my father had spiked earlier that evening.
So, in the span of fifteen minutes, my little five year old self had swallowed almost a full half-gallon of milk and liquor and egg product while jumping up and down. You do the math. When I returned to kindergarten, my 'What I Did Over Christmas Break' story should have been a special tale of a drunken fall down the stairs, throwing up all over the Christmas tree, a trip to the emergency room, and my first hangover. But I was a kid and overzealous about the Nintendo I'd gotten from "Santa", so I shared that story instead.

Admit it, you laughed, right?

Anyway, bananapancakes7 goes on to weave a cringe and laugh worthy tale with the effects of eggnog as a catalyst - at least in his mind - for a myriad of not-so-great events in our dear Jasper’s life from the tender age of five.

The story continued on from there to outline his day-to-day which, coincidentally, includes a crush on his co-worker - whose ass he admires from afar at the same time every morning. Except, of course, for the morning of the day that this story takes place during. I digress, though.

Crushes. Asses. Admiration. Oh, and Edward. An Edward whose sexuality is currently unknown but an Edward nonetheless.

I waste a few more minutes straightening my desk, then stand. Since my part of the office is empty, I unbutton my shirt and reach into my bag for my sweater - a dark green cashmere my mother gave me last Christmas - the only festive looking thing I could find this morning. My laundry's atrocious.

I've just removed my shirt and tie and am completely bare-chested when I hear my name.


You would think someone had shouted it into a megaphone. I jump and spin to find Edward staring at me in slight shock before he clears his throat, seeming embarrassed to find me half-nude.

"You - I - Alice - you're the only one not at the party," he says quickly. He takes a drink out of the cup he's holding and clears his throat again. "She told me to threaten you if you don't get your ass over there."

"Oh?" I say, chuckling. I let my shirts dangle by my fingertips. I don't mind stalling to cover myself. I work out. "What are you going to do to me, then?"

Yeah, I’d probably ask the same question. Maybe. Okay, that’s very unlikely, and also beside the point. Half-nude Jasper and flustered Edward for the mother fucking win. But, there’s still the issue of the as of yet absent eggnog, with the exception of a small mention previously. You know it’s coming otherwise the title would be something completely different and this probably wouldn’t be amusing me as much as it is.

My turn to laugh. "Well, cheers to that," I say, holding up my cup to his. We 'clink'. All is well. I take a sip without looking and swallow because I'm expecting punch.

I'm wrong.

This is not punch.

This is not punch.

This is…

…not punch.

Oh, God. No. No. Why? Why didn't I look? The cups are not clear. They're red. I should have looked. I should have checked. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Oh, God. It's eggnog. It's eggy-ness and noggy-ness and it's sliding down my throat.

But, and there’s always a but, all is not lost. I’d love to tell you exactly how this story ends because I’m overexcited and I love it that fucking much. So why not, right? I could give you every little detail, just get it all of my chest, and be happy about it. Mostly. Except if I did that then you all wouldn’t have a reason to read it for yourselves which is what I hope I’ve convinced you to do.

I can say, though, that Edward comes to the rescue and drags Jasper off to an empty and secluded office. What happens next? Well, you’ll have to read it to find out. It’ll be worth it, even if only for the laughs.


There you have it, folks. Another week with awesome stories to check out. Be sure to leave these wonderful authors some love, and come back next week to see what Aradi and I have in store for you.

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