I understand that over time a Dom/me and their sub will learn to take queues from each other and will learn to read the other very well, but does that lack of knowledge and familiarity make scening with a new partner difficult?

I don't think it makes it difficult, I think that more verbal communication would need to be involved. After care would also be particularly important, especially if they are going to be working together again.

Ask me anything

Is there a difference between chastisment and punishment or is it 2 different words with the same meaning?

I think it really depends on who you're dealing with. To me, I think they're relatively similar, though chastisement has more of a verbal feel, where punishment in this sense would be more physical. But as to definition, I think they're very similar.

Ask me anything

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Twi Me Up Q&A - October 30th

Q: Does your Dom ever ask you to dress up?

A: That depends on what you mean by dress up. I have had a Dom ask me to wear something specific to a session, or wear my hair a certain way. I have been asked to wear certain shoes, or certain clothing. However, I have not had a Dom ask me to ‘dress up’ - for example as a naughty nurse, or a school girl. Of course I would, if asked.

Twi Me Up Q&A - October 23rd

Q: I am very curious about all the ropes and tying people up in those pretty pretty pictures.
What should you use?
Can you use anything?

A: The type, material, and style of rope that you use depend on your bondage objectives. If you are merely interested in restraint without the purpose of aesthetics, long term bondage, or suspension you can use any type of generic rope that does not irritate the skin. For longer term bondage, or more stressful forms such as suspension you’ll want to keep in mind tensile strength and comfort. For example rope made from hemp will give rope burns if the bound person struggles too much against them.

If you’re looking for aesthetics for something like Japanese rope bondage, you can use colored ropes, or twisted cotton or nylon ropes which leave marks in the submissive’s skin.

For more information on rope bondage and types of ropes – check out the following resources:
http://www.ecstagony.com/eng/info/artbond/ropes.htm
http://www.bestslavetraining.com/bondagerope.htm
http://msknight.com/realbondage/rope/types.htm
http://www.bondagegeisha.com/?p=22

Twi Me Up Q&A - October 16th

Q: I have had several different variations of the same question this week – has a Dom ever made you hold his semen in your mouth until he told you to swallow?

Follow up question: If not, would you?

A: As I have stated a few times before, every relationship is different, so I can’t speak to absolutes. I have not personally seen this done, no. After I started getting emails about it, I asked about half a dozen Doms and subs that I know, and they had not done it either. That is not to say that it isn’t done, but it doesn’t seem to be very common.

In my experience, the submissive swallows as a sign of further submission. At least, that’s the consensus I get from the people I have spoken to.

If my Dom told me to do that, would I?

Without question.

PLEASE READ: With certain events that have happened in the fandom recently, I would like to add the following - any comments (either in agreement or disagreement of this post) that are inflammatory or derogatory to me, another author, a reader, a community of readers, another blog or the even little green men that watch you take a shower will be deleted without hesitation.

I do not subscribe to the abuse and hatred that has been flying around, and it will not happen here. Our job at Twi Me Up and at TwiSlash is to inform and entertain, anything else will simply be deleted.

Den of Depravity, you say?

TwiSlash and Twi Me Up have partnered with the new blog - The Depraved Den. They will be taking on DefinatelyStaying's non-BDSM questions and she will be taking on their BDSM questions. DS will still answer your non-BDSM question if you specifically want her to do so, just put that in your email. You can also ask Khar and Nan questions directly at depraved-den.gmail.com where their motto is - Just add an "O" and you're good to go.

Twi Me Up Q&A - August 28th

Q. Just had a query - what is aftercare? What does this actually involve? My dh and I have been experimenting, and I like being spanked, but he got really upset a few days later when he realized I had bruises all over my backside. Is there anything we could do to prevent this?

A. Aftercare is the physical and psychological care of a submissive after a BDSM scene. Physical aftercare consists of caring for the sub for things such as lingering pain or discomfort (from physical discipline, let’s say), skin irritation (wax play), stiff or sore muscles (bondage). These are generally dealt with using massage or the application of topical medications or lotions. This type of aftercare should be done after any sort of bondage play, rough sex, anal intercourse, intense physical discipline, wax play, or any other type of edge play.

The psychological aftercare of a sub is more of a debated topic. This type of aftercare is used to reassure the Dom/me and the sub of their relationship, to reconnect, to support and nurture, and to promote trust and well-being. Some believe that this type of aftercare should be performed after each and every scene. I, for one, don’t agree. I think that it depends on the players involved, their relationship, and the type of scene. Most players would agree that aftercare is needed after some of the following:
- Scenes involving humiliation
- Scenes involving pseudo-nonconsensual play
- Scenes with intense physical or emotional elements
- Scenes that have never been performed by the players – brand new activities
- Scenes in which the submissive uses their safe word

The last one, in particular, is one of the most essential because aftercare is as much for the Dom/me as the sub. The submissive needs to be reassured that using their safe word is encouraged when needed, and the Dom/me needs to be assured that the submissive is all right both physically and emotionally, and that the trust in their relationship is intact.

In regards to your second question – there are things both environmentally and during your play that you can do to help prevent bruising:
- Increase your intake of Vitamin K (green leafy vegetables, antioxidants)
- Switch from aspirin to ibuprofen
- Avoid prolonged exposure to the sun
- Apply ice to the area within the first 24 hours followed by wet heat
- Make sure to strike the fleshier parts of the body during play (buttocks away from the bone, thighs, etc.)
- Use a paddle that is light and broad rather than your hand, or a heavier implement. Use faster, more compact strokes to increase the sensitivity of the area being struck. This will allow you to maximize the sensation without injuring the affected skin.

One final remark on bruising - if you have a bruise that lasts longer than a week or so, make sure to discuss it with your physician. Bruising, even in BDSM play that does not dissipate can be a sign of a serious health issue.

Twi Me Up - August 21st

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Twi Me Up - August 14th

Q: This question is a paraphrasing of at least a dozen different emails on the same subject. The one question that everyone seems to want answered is:




I want to experiment with BDSM, but I’m afraid my husband isn’t going to be receptive – how can I talk to him about this?

A: Let me start out by saying that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I’ve had a couple of close calls, but managed to escape unscathed. The last relationship ended because when we got to that ‘tell each other everything’ phase of our relationship, the fact that I was attracted to women and bondage kind of freaked him out. Okay, freaked him out was an understatement. I decided that I didn’t want to live my life having to hide a large part of who I am, so it ended there.

There are a few reasons that I’ve found that guys in particular may be reluctant to experiment with BDSM, and it helps when you know what you’re up against:
1. They’ve been raised in a household where sex is something that you don’t talk about. It happens behind closed doors and in one position.
2. They’ve been raised in a household where ‘kink’ is against the rules (God’s, man’s, whatever).
3. They think that BDSM happens in dark rooms where there are chains on the walls, and leather clad people beating the crap out of one another.
4. Only gay guys wear leather pants (okay, this one surprised me – I’ll admit).
5. They were raised to believe that hitting women is wrong.
6. They are afraid they are going to hurt you.

All of these are very valid (okay, maybe not the gay guys thing) concerns that someone may have about experimenting with BDSM. The first thing that you have to keep in mind, I would think, is that this is the person that you should be able to talk about anything with – especially related to sex. Second, you have to respect them, and respect their beliefs. If he doesn’t want to do it because he thinks it’s jeopardizing your souls, respect that. If you can work with him on the fact that he won’t hurt you – then, talk about it.




Here are a few things that you can try:
1. Talk about your sexual fantasies. You may be embarrassed about admitting that you want to be tied up and spanked, but really – how is he supposed to know if you don’t tell him? You’re also assuming that he’s not going to be into it – you may be surprised to hear what some of his fantasies are. They don’t all revolve around Princess Leia in a gold bikini. Not to plug, but if you need some ideas for fantasies, you can check out Next Weekend on my profile. It’s pretty much nothing but Edward and Bella living out their sexual fantasies.




2. Be specific. Lay in bed, kissing and touching, feeling comfortable with each other and talk about what turns you on. “I like it when you put me over your lap and spank me. I like the sting, but I also like being over your lap. It makes me feel vulnerable and turns me on.” This is much more descriptive than “Honey, spank me.”




3. Informally set goals that you’d like to work on. Don’t start a chore chart or anything, but say that you want to have anal sex. He’s afraid he’s going to hurt you. Talk to him about it – tell him you’ll start off small like with a finger or small anal plug. By the time you get to the point where you’re ready for it to be him, you’ll both see if that’s something you like and want to try. If he sees that it takes your orgasm off the charts, he may be more inclined to play.




4. Pick a safe word and use it. If he’s afraid that he’s going to go too far and hurt you – pick a safe word and use it. This is not just for when you’re bound. If you’re trying anal sex for the first time, and you want to stop – that word would stop things immediately without question. He has to know that you are uncomfortable or in pain, even if you don’t think that will ever happen – knowing that you can stop him immediately might help him relax.




5. Try it out on him first. If he’s hesitant to add wax play to your fun, use it on him first so that he’ll know what to expect. Remember that you need to respect his choice if he says there is something he does not want to do.




6. Keep the conversation positive. Use phrases like “I love it when you…” or “I’d love to try…” rather than “You never…” or “I wish you would just…” Make it something that you want to try together, not something you want him to do like clean out the garage. ;)




7. Put a sexually explicit item on your gift list. Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas – whatever holiday is coming up, if he asks you what you’d like, give him a kinky option and see what he says. Be specific and print a picture if you can, but tell him exactly what you have in mind. “Honey, I would really like a set of mattress restraints so that you can tie me up and do naughty things to me.”




8. Respect his limits. You want him to respect yours. If there are some things that he is just not comfortable with, you need to respect that because this is only one aspect of your marriage.

Above all else, keep in mind that this is just another extension of expressing your love and affection for one another. It does not need to turn into a source of marital discord. If he were into something that you absolutely refused to do (think bodily functions for example), you would not appreciate being ambushed, shamed, or bullied into it. Find compromises and alternatives where you can. Maybe he won’t use a flogger on you, but he’ll love to do an intimate over the lap spanking.

Have fun – and let me know how it goes. If you have stories that might help other readers talk to their partners, or have a question for DefinatelyStaying – send an email to TwiMeUp@gmail.com.

Twi Me Up - August 7th

Q: My husband wants to tie me up, and wanted to know what kind of rope he should use?


A: The answer depends on a few different factors, actually:
- The experience level of the players involved
- The goal of the binding
- How comfortable you are with adult toy stores
- Your budget

The experience of the players involved
Different kinds of implements can be used depending on the players involved. You just starting out with your husband, playing a kinky game, may not use the same types of bondage gear as an experienced Dom and sub working in a playroom. You need to make sure that your set up is comfortable, meaning it doesn’t burn or chafe your skin, and that your circulation is unaffected.
If hubby is tying you to a bed or chair, you’re good with something like a bath robe tie, clothes line, climbing rope – something thin and flexible. Make sure to put some kind of padding (a folded washcloth for example) between your skin and the rope. Also always have a knife nearby so that you can be extricated quickly in an emergency.

You can also use bandanas, neckties, or cuffs. Remember that if you’re using standard handcuffs to use a chain around your neck for the key. You don’t want to have to call someone to get you out.

The goal of the binding
If your goal is something more complex, like a suspension, you’ll want to use slightly thicker ropes or padded cuffs. You don’t want the ropes to cut into your skin. Always be very careful with suspension and never leave the person who is bound unattended. You also need to test circulation regularly and don’t let play last too long – for beginners I would say no more than 15-20 minutes. Also – make sure that what you’re using to suspend the person from is sturdy enough to handle the weight. A standard drywall ceiling is not meant to hold an adult.

How comfortable you are with adult toy stores / Your budget
If you want to tie someone up, but you’re nervous about setting foot in an adult toy store or having that name appear on your credit card statement, you do have alternatives. Bondage can also become a very expensive hobby if you want certain types of equipment. If you’re just starting out, it doesn’t make sense to invest a lot of money upfront.


So, here are some retail store equivalents to get you through (i.e. Bondage on a Budget):


Rope/Cuffs:
- Neck ties, bandanas, or clothes line


Paddle:
- Ping Pong Paddle (will give you a nice wicked sting, and a bonus – a pattern on the skin)


Nipple clamps:
- Clothes pins (the trick here for beginners is that you need to stretch out the spring first – pull the closed ends open as far as they will go, and hold until it doesn’t pinch quite as hard. Ready for something stronger? That’s why you have a whole bag to practice with.)


Spreader Bar:
- A wooden broom and two large screw in eye bolts. (Remove the bristled part of the broom and screw the eye bolts in at either end.)


Ball Gag:
- A plastic practice golf ball and a bandana (Generally practice golf balls have holes for aerodynamics – use them to thread the bandana and then secure behind the head. A bandana won’t cut into the skin as some other things might.)

Blindfold:
- Use eye gauze to completely cover the eyes and then a bandana to hold them in place. You can also use a sleep mask, or two eye patches.

The thing to remember above all is that you only do this with someone you trust, and have confidence in. You also only do this with a willing participant. If your husband or wife doesn’t share your fantasy and doesn’t want to play, respect their wishes.

Remember, you can ask DefinatelyStaying a question by sending an email to TwiMeUp@gmail.com – all questions are anonymous unless specifically stated otherwise in the email.