Friday, August 14, 2009

Twi Me Up - August 14th

Q: This question is a paraphrasing of at least a dozen different emails on the same subject. The one question that everyone seems to want answered is:

I want to experiment with BDSM, but I’m afraid my husband isn’t going to be receptive – how can I talk to him about this?

A: Let me start out by saying that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I’ve had a couple of close calls, but managed to escape unscathed. The last relationship ended because when we got to that ‘tell each other everything’ phase of our relationship, the fact that I was attracted to women and bondage kind of freaked him out. Okay, freaked him out was an understatement. I decided that I didn’t want to live my life having to hide a large part of who I am, so it ended there.

There are a few reasons that I’ve found that guys in particular may be reluctant to experiment with BDSM, and it helps when you know what you’re up against:
1. They’ve been raised in a household where sex is something that you don’t talk about. It happens behind closed doors and in one position.
2. They’ve been raised in a household where ‘kink’ is against the rules (God’s, man’s, whatever).
3. They think that BDSM happens in dark rooms where there are chains on the walls, and leather clad people beating the crap out of one another.
4. Only gay guys wear leather pants (okay, this one surprised me – I’ll admit).
5. They were raised to believe that hitting women is wrong.
6. They are afraid they are going to hurt you.

All of these are very valid (okay, maybe not the gay guys thing) concerns that someone may have about experimenting with BDSM. The first thing that you have to keep in mind, I would think, is that this is the person that you should be able to talk about anything with – especially related to sex. Second, you have to respect them, and respect their beliefs. If he doesn’t want to do it because he thinks it’s jeopardizing your souls, respect that. If you can work with him on the fact that he won’t hurt you – then, talk about it.

Here are a few things that you can try:
1. Talk about your sexual fantasies. You may be embarrassed about admitting that you want to be tied up and spanked, but really – how is he supposed to know if you don’t tell him? You’re also assuming that he’s not going to be into it – you may be surprised to hear what some of his fantasies are. They don’t all revolve around Princess Leia in a gold bikini. Not to plug, but if you need some ideas for fantasies, you can check out Next Weekend on my profile. It’s pretty much nothing but Edward and Bella living out their sexual fantasies.

2. Be specific. Lay in bed, kissing and touching, feeling comfortable with each other and talk about what turns you on. “I like it when you put me over your lap and spank me. I like the sting, but I also like being over your lap. It makes me feel vulnerable and turns me on.” This is much more descriptive than “Honey, spank me.”

3. Informally set goals that you’d like to work on. Don’t start a chore chart or anything, but say that you want to have anal sex. He’s afraid he’s going to hurt you. Talk to him about it – tell him you’ll start off small like with a finger or small anal plug. By the time you get to the point where you’re ready for it to be him, you’ll both see if that’s something you like and want to try. If he sees that it takes your orgasm off the charts, he may be more inclined to play.

4. Pick a safe word and use it. If he’s afraid that he’s going to go too far and hurt you – pick a safe word and use it. This is not just for when you’re bound. If you’re trying anal sex for the first time, and you want to stop – that word would stop things immediately without question. He has to know that you are uncomfortable or in pain, even if you don’t think that will ever happen – knowing that you can stop him immediately might help him relax.

5. Try it out on him first. If he’s hesitant to add wax play to your fun, use it on him first so that he’ll know what to expect. Remember that you need to respect his choice if he says there is something he does not want to do.

6. Keep the conversation positive. Use phrases like “I love it when you…” or “I’d love to try…” rather than “You never…” or “I wish you would just…” Make it something that you want to try together, not something you want him to do like clean out the garage. ;)

7. Put a sexually explicit item on your gift list. Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas – whatever holiday is coming up, if he asks you what you’d like, give him a kinky option and see what he says. Be specific and print a picture if you can, but tell him exactly what you have in mind. “Honey, I would really like a set of mattress restraints so that you can tie me up and do naughty things to me.”

8. Respect his limits. You want him to respect yours. If there are some things that he is just not comfortable with, you need to respect that because this is only one aspect of your marriage.

Above all else, keep in mind that this is just another extension of expressing your love and affection for one another. It does not need to turn into a source of marital discord. If he were into something that you absolutely refused to do (think bodily functions for example), you would not appreciate being ambushed, shamed, or bullied into it. Find compromises and alternatives where you can. Maybe he won’t use a flogger on you, but he’ll love to do an intimate over the lap spanking.

Have fun – and let me know how it goes. If you have stories that might help other readers talk to their partners, or have a question for DefinatelyStaying – send an email to


SassyGeminiMom said...

This is a GREAT post!

Dizzygrl28 said...

"Let me start out by saying that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I’ve had a couple of close calls, but managed to escape unscathed." - I think I just fell in love with DS over this article opener.

The article was great too! ;)